Monday, August 2, 2010

the hardest part

Leaving.

I said goodbye 3 times from 3 different places.

The first that felt like bye was leaving Oman, it’d been about 10 days that I was there but I got to meet more than 50 people over there, I lived the whole time together with 2 girls from the national team in Oman (they did the same I did but in Oman) and a group of trainees in a big, hot villa and I got to participate there in a conference and as well visit new places. My kind of vacation.

It’s still a mystery for me how I created such strong bonds with so many people there, how they still remember me and send me messages because I was a really transitory and rather random element there. Someone who seemingly dropped by from Jordan for a conference, half dead-tired half thrilled about what was about to start there. Omani people are tremendously hospitable to be quite fair, they love to drive you around even when going nowhere, they will even go out with you in the unbearable heat if you ask them too… or they will lay on the sofa with you the whole lazy afternoon if you don’t.

On the day I was leaving I was almost disappointed I was not gonna be seeing anything more but then suddenly I had a big group (big as in it wouldn’t fit 1 but 2 full cars) dedicated to go do whatever, which turned out to be going to a museum because all other options were closed or done already. Two Brazilians (Cintia and Carolina), a Polish girl (Ewelina), an Indian (Yousuf) and then Anjali, Sam and Aisha came afterwards on a different car. Four others had left on a trip to Dubai otherwise we would even risk to be more.

I don't have a picture with them all. Missed the moment! But I have Anjali, Sam and me posing like true Omani girls :)



It was a simple, small and at times interesting museum, I even read there things I didn’t want to about Portugal (we’re known there for slicing off noses and ears of the locals back in the colonization years!) and it was so hot that all the walking we did felt as too much, no matter how much walking I normally like to do. Oman and the Gulf countries are some other reality, I heard these days it’s more than 50° over there and there were even unbelievable news that it can go as high as 80° (which is not possible without human extermination as we know it but gives you an idea how unimaginable it gets).

And then we headed to the airport, they went inside with me and waited for ages for my check-in (I was right behind a never-ending train of household packages with people around it, to the sides and appearing from behind and front), we mocked the tourism add of Oman above the desks and talked about other things I now cannot remember exactly, all I remember is their faces then. And then I was about to leave and got a gift, I got this beauty and a letter from the national team:



About 10 days meeting pretty much everyone for the first time, except for around 7 people there, whom I also didn’t know that much before landing! Ain’t it o-mazing? For me it was and I miss them even today.

Then I came back to Jordan, still had to finish some work and then basically pack up and get ready for my trip: I didn’t travel home from Jordan but instead went through Palestine and then Israel before taking the plane, in Tel Aviv.

This was the big farewell, this was the one I wanted to avoid because I didn’t know how to deal with it. Reaching the conclusion that I didn’t have time to be with everyone individually and that after all this time there was no unrude way out of an official farewell, I organized an evening where I gave myself the expectations of cooking, doing a small presentation of Portugal and basically sharing some words with the friends who would be there. Well, the eve before at 4am I still had all my clothes around the room (and not inside the bag), I hadn’t even started looking at the pics and at what I could prepare as a presentation and the words were at one third done (I had started writing something like small messages for each person, personal ones, but was yet unsure how I’d pass them on to them).

And then the night came, I was supposed to meet just before my neighbours and Cécile (we lived in a french spot of Amman) because they wouldn’t go to the party, we stayed home for a bit and I got late, people started calling where was I and for directions (which I didn’t know haha), I said bye to my neighbours and me and my flatmate went out to find a taxi and get to Tareq’s place, where we were meeting everybody but before I met some friends around the corner because they really had to leave before.



People calling again saying they would have to leave soon too and me freaking out coz this was not the party I was hoping for. Abed, Amal and Shatha then ended coming up to Tareq’s house for a bit and at least I got to stay with them a bit more.

Oh my god coming up I felt like staying near the door, or going to the almost empty kitchen… there was a lot of people and I wasn’t ready, no presentation, no food, not even the proper parting smile! I run around and said hi to everybody, talked to them all and it felt really good to have them all there: JJ, Karlijn, Hanne, Sultan, João, Breno, Fadi, Shaher, Hakeem, Osama, Ma’moon, Safa’, Mirza, Walaa’, Luma, Maher, Lana, Bechir, Eyad, Bashar, Suzanne, Tareq of course…



Some of my favourite people were there and I had no decent presentation about Portugal, no nice, well-thought words to tell them, nothing for them to eat and think it tastes Portuguese.



The night was good because those people were there, there was a very random slide show with some of my pics in Jordan and others from Portugal, there was a bit of dubka dancing and singing, there had to be singing in my farewell :) And then people started leaving, the conversations went from the living room to the kitchen and then we stood in the hallway by the end, I gave away some things I had to share with them and then I had to leave and right then someone else called and I still met halfway Amer.

I still remember the last words face to face (“you must apply”, “come visit me in Portugal”, “I wish I had met you for longer”, “I’ll see you soon”, “I’m getting used to this”…), the strong hugs and another one, the thank yous, the random photos, the licking of my glasses (seriously?!), the sambuzas that we didn’t prepare, the sharing of some last photos, my laptop that didn’t play only Portuguese songs but some other random ones… It was really really really such a pleasure to have lived this year with you all!



But the farewell was still not over, the next day I had until 3pm to actually finish packing and get gone, which started after I came back home and ended around 11am I think, when Elton came over and still had to wait for me coz I was not even ready. I needed to do mail things and find the bank before so he came with me, then we met Cecilia, the Mexican girl that was back to Jordan for my last day there! The one who went to the airport to receive me the day I came too, we came full circle! So I finished the last tasks, we went back home and had lunch and then it was already time to go to the bus station, from where I’d meet the uncle of my friend Amal and go until the border with Palestine, about one hour something away.

More hugs and smiles, all a bit rushed, and I got to the bus station. Afterwards I’ll tell more about the trip there but now there’s my last farewell to write about, the moment when I left what almost became my family in Palestione after a few days. This was my last trip and in many aspects will be one of the most memorable. I was really privileged because if at first I thought I would be doing most of this trip totally on my own, it turned out that I had company almost the whole way – and great company!



My last farewell was when I left the village where Nasser’s family is from, there were his mother and brother there, his aunt, husband and children, his uncle whom I shared the taxi with days before, and his family, his grandmother and some other cousins… we had lunch together, the Sabri family and me, and then a taxi came to pick me up and take me to Ramallah, from where I’d go to Jerusalem that afternoon. The sweetest children faces, the tastiest food, the most welcoming smiles and such joy… I learnt for years that the context influences people and there it was the negation of my 7 years of study. Love, kindness, joy are unconditional, they can actually blossom in any time or place within us, we are such extraordinary machines.



There were more small farewells, many others way before (each time someone would go away) and there were still other moments that were like farewells but weren’t spoken, acted, felt as such but these 3 made me conclude that no, leaving is not the hardest part at all. They say the ones who leave actually are the luckiest ones and no matter what the odds are, you have the hope, the wish, the will to see them again. You promise, you say things, you look in the eyes or not, you smile and laugh and things get better, things get comfortable again if only for a few moments.

The hardest part is when you are already gone but still you are there with them, you just can’t meet them up anymore. You still write to them and see the pictures, you get messages and phone calls but you are in two different places already. You go out and have fun but then something reminds you, you talk about something that makes you think and you go back. And you’re not in the place you are now because you are still in the place you left.

This is the hardest part for me, right now, being here with you being there.

The worst that can happen when you are abroad

You plan it wrongly and choose to pay rent when you would rather use that money travelling the last days of your stay. I think I'm going to stay longer or I just don’t think. In the end, I pay extra money I barely have as I've used it to travel around. It’s not so bad coz at least it gives me a sense of home until the last moments before leaving.

You are stuck at home in a country with no public transportation. For someone who has the travel bug (or the addiction, the virus, the syndrome), this is comparable to claustrophobia. To be stuck in a country where taxis are supposed to be unsafe (or simply inaccessible) and there are barely any buses, no trains or metros yet and it’s damn hot out there to walk until the car, let alone. Basically depending entirely on private cars to see places, everywhere.

You realize your credit card is expired and doesn’t work in the ATMs. It’s been expired for 2 months already but I never noticed it before travelling outside the country. And even if I had noticed it, wouldn’t change much because now I can’t get another card shipped to me, plus the new password. And dealing with the bank outside the country over the phone also doesn’t leave me much options, security measures playing against me.

You lose your cellphone charger in the last place you stayed in. And then I am travelling and I run out of battery and the only way to reach the people I am supposed to meet. Or I don’t have a watch and need to check the time of my train, bus, whatever, over there. I need it to pass on messages in a language I don't speak. Or people stress out because I am out of reach. Or I stress out because I am out of reach.

You don’t have time/are too broke to buy gifts before leaving in the airport. This is my most common one – I know how much I appreciate to get an exotic gift from abroad but normally I don’t have the time or money to buy it myself for others… It’s upsetting and the worst is that I realize how uncool it is when I’m already on my way to the gate, with 15mins left to boarding. I hate airports nowadays, they have the crappiest things from the country, they are all sold very together and very cliché-style and that hinders my will/ability to buy them.

You realize you want to stay longer in the country but can’t distinguish the logic from the heart anymore. You get a life there, you have your friends, you have your home, you know the places and you have the colleagues and the connections you need – it became your place, almost now even more familiar than the place you originally call home. And you get emotional about it, of course. And you have not something concrete, sure, more promising to come back to. You have to restart at home.

You fall in love before leaving.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

On this earth

It's been so long, I've missed sharing things with you! Busy in a new neighbourhood, enjoying summer/autumn swing with friends and finally taking pictures again (will be posting them soon).

But found this poem randomly while in the middle of work. Couldn't help it, it's beautiful. There is something immensely beautiful and tragic about the Arabic culture. Come along with me...

We have on this earth what makes life worth living: April’s
– hesitation, the aroma of bread
at dawn, a woman’s point of view about men, the works of
– Aeschylus, the beginning
of love, grass on a stone, mothers living on a flute’s sigh and
– the invaders’ fear of memories

We have on this earth what makes life worth living: the
– final days of September, a woman
keeping her apricots ripe after forty, the hour of sunlight in
– prison, a cloud reflecting a swarm
of creatures, the peoples’ applause for those who face death
– with a smile, a tyrant’s fear of songs.

We have on this earth what makes life worth living: on this
– earth, the Lady of Earth,
mother of all beginnings and ends. She was called
– Palestine. Her name later became
Palestine. My Lady, because you are my Lady, I deserve life.


Mahmoud Darwish (1942-2008)

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Chopin in Amman

This post was written 2 days ago but only today I got internet connection to send it.

Some things which you take for granted just are so different when you are in some other place. Well for me classical music turned from boring and repetitive to the best soul soundtrack since I went abroad. I had noticed this already before – when I attended the first classical music concert maybe ever in my life but at least as far as I can remember.

Because whenever I go to a classical music concert what happens to me is that I enter in a different world – still like my world and my thoughts but somehow it seems an alternative, third-person perception. I reflect and lose myself in my thoughts at the sound of a prelude; a sonate ends up creating the cozy mood of somewhere rather distant and familiar – so familiar that it’s my life but through a different perspective. So I get my twilight zone by listening to classical music – music that I normally don’t listen to at home, or maybe this is exactly why, because it’s somehow different to what I am used to – and I like what’s different, have you noticed? :)

Well I started thinking that I was with a foreign group of friends and even if there were about three Jordanians in the group it was still a very international group, the same for the people we had around us and strange as it may seem we internationals become more interested in what’s happening around us, we get more curious and we actually are more active in our lifestyle when we are abroad. This happened to me before when I was in France for a year, not only with my introduction to classical music, but also with theatre (something I miss so much here, because there isn’t much and what there is sometimes it's not in English), concerts =), films, art galleries premieres and much more! And it’s not because there are more things here, it’s rather because the foreigners learn to search more, don’t settle for old or lazy habits and won’t make so much presumptions about what they are about to attend: we just want to live and breath all that we can and at the same time connect to what is familiar from back home.

So I went to an unusually familiar concert organized by the French Cultural Centre and the Polish Embassy and I felt suddenly in Europe. A couple of trainees working here came too – well more than a couple but what I found ironic is that beside a Polish trainee who came with another Polish friend and myself the other trainees were not even European. In fact a couple of them were from two apart countries and continents: Asia and America and, curious thing, the only European living with them was exactly the one who didn’t come to the concert.

And then I got to see a dear Jordanian friend, who I’ve been planning to see for weeks and always miserably failed! And a good friend who doesn’t join the group often also came, we still didn’t manage to mingle everyone together totally but we are trying and we will keep until she is part of us. So it was definitely a night with friends, just a different type of night out – though it did involve shawerma (this is how we spell it here in Jordan) and soft drinks – the typical Jordanian fast food on the concert hall minutes before it started :D That way, I can actually say there was something Jordanian about tonight.

Well then, and going back to the topic that made me start this post, I started rambling around in my head and thinking – mainly about the things that happened recently and what is on the back of my mind. I started by noticing the movements in the pianists – the second one was the most active, expressive pianist I’ve seen in a while, he was living the highs and the lows in the melody in such a dramatic way that I then begun to think how could this possible – could this be someone who lived solely for the music and that is why he was giving so much and expressing it so deep with every note he played OR could he personally be quite the opposite, someone who just lives at the highest pitch, in a crazy and ridiculous intensity that it takes so much energy out of him that he can afford to play the exact same way and keep it up – that he knows nothing more than being intense?

I will never really know about that pianist (Nima was his name), but I can reflect on that for myself. I can recognize that most of the times, my best me is the one who also lives things intensely, the good and the bad but that always has a positive outlook on the outcomes, so someone who hardly goes down and usually tries to lift the others around – sometimes even before herself. And then today I was told to be less inclusive. And I want to disagree, I feel like I should and somehow I know I won’t change much in that sense because deep inside I feel like it would no longer be me that less inclusive being. But maybe I should start being less inclusive, maybe I should be less of an optimistic, maybe I should experience things in a lesser higher pitch like the saddest and happiest moments in a piece of music and the amazing faces the pianist was making while playing them. Maybe I should be less black or white but I don’t know if the should is what I want, so I am not sure if I’m willing to change that and become more centered, more halfway, more mild and never getting so down but also not reaching so high neither.

I always tend to consider the overall, the big picture of things and how the way you love should relate to the way you are friends with, to the way you hate or lose interest, to everythig you do in fact. If you are intense about one, then you should be about the others, if you are selfish in a sense it is difficult to imagine that you are truly selfless in some other context, that we are in the end sometimes divided into those who use others and those who are used by others – and I like none of those options, but could this really be the way the world revolves?

This is a very important thing that has become more and more conscious to me over these past months, more than it ever was when I was abroad, maybe because usually there were much more similarities: to what extent is the change within you a new place brings good and desired, according to yourself? And this makes me as aware as I can about who I want to become. And I want to become a wholesome person, I strive for that and I try to show the same face everytime, just with slight variances and shades of course, but the same core when I’m at work, when I’m partying, when I’m resting with friends and when I’m with myself looking back on my way. I wrote this in the beginning of my blog and I meant it – this is also a trip to becoming the person I want to be, not only about the good things I’ve learned and acquired but how to cope and improve the lesser good parts in me and around. The balance so far is that I’m learning to reject those things which I don’t identify with: behaviours, mindsets, feelings, statuses quo. I have to question them and I won’t settle for the norm of not doing so. But this is far from peaceful sometimes...

And I thought as well about some news I just got today – something that made me have a mix of feelings in the beginning, very honestly, but then made me be quite happy for two friends of mine who are now together and it is a rather complicated situation (a Jordanian with a non Jordanian), that I really just wish them the best of luck! I also thought about the fact that I still don’t know any other Portuguese in Amman except for my consul and his family (but they are actually not Portuguese at all, rather Jordanians, so it’s still not the same) and how strange this is – would it be better or worse to have some other home citizens around? I have never much thought of this before, but can someone be lonely for not knowing their unknown compatriots who by random chance live in the same city or country as them?

Then I thought about how tired I’ve been recently, how much I have been abusing of computers since all my work revolves around them and I need them for the biggest to the smallest things: sending emails and communicating with members, checking facebook and being updated on my friends’ news from around the world while I also update them with the most (ir)relevant info that I highlight from my days (yes, here as well :P).. That I have to use it to talk to my mom in particular but I was unable to do so since I got back about 2/3 weeks ago because of other things and now coz I have no internet at home. That I also use it to check pictures people tag me in (and to upload the pics I’m still supposed to show about my Jordan!), so in the end it's like a life in itself, a life behind a screen :S

I was trying to close my eyes on parts of the concert, which might be why I found the 2nd pianist much more vibrant (I missed part of the first)– but then I guess it’s also my eyes and I like to see those people that put their lives and souls into what they do… and I thought about things that I may be doing wrong here, how to fix uncomfortable situations (what’s the point of enduring them, even if for only 4 months and something now?) and if the end of my Jordanian life will still have a twist like in the Hollywood films.

Don’t get me wrong, this has been an amazing experience and I will probably look back on this year filled with nostalgia, but this has also been one of the toughest, unclear and exhausting years I’ve ever had, in many ways it has been impacting me for the best and worst reasons and that is why Jordan will always be in my heart and like a local I will never really quite get it entirely.

And what’s best, I can’t read the end of the book yet and I am not sure how it’s going to end up – this is the best suspense story I’ve ever lived.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

accidental learning

In Jordan, I’ve been travelling, working, meeting new people, trying to speak Arabic, walking through unwalkable places, forgetting to take photos and having great talks. But most of all I think I’ve been learning, so many and so diverse things that most often I realize that an international experience is like a full-time job, doesn’t give you too much rest to the mind!

So I’ll share some of the things I’ve been learning but don’t be shocked about how small or meaningless they may seem. Now I’m curious to see if I’ll also be learning as much when I come back to Portugal again and if throughout my life I’ll keep on learning as many silly things, if I’ll keep looking at things the same way as if I was still ten.

So after 7 months and 25 days, this is a list of the things I’ve learned (and can remember right now). I learned that:
… my hand after eating mansaf the traditional way feels like I’ve been swimming: warm and wrinkly :)
… my closest friends most often won’t be the people I work or live with – there must actually be a logical explanation for this because it’s not boredom but it happens quite easily!
… I like to pretend that I am a local and feel really proud of myself to talk for a brief while in Arabic until they uncover me or I do it myself :P (but sometimes they don’t =D)
… I can still share my 3JDs left with someone who has only 1JD not out of pure friendship but for common understanding
… I feel more cozy travelling in the dark, unpredictable and sex-biased buses than by taxi
… a cat sometimes just needs to play and I should too!
… sometimes it’s better to tell things that will make people worried about me because they will sooner or later and then they will be mad at me!
… sometimes I can’t help but to be selfish and not want to sharing
… there are unthinkable ways to bring affinity between 2 people but there are also the fastest ways to lose it again
… after being asked “where are you from?”, Jordanians will automatically reply “welcome” – no matter in what context and how well you know them
… I think I can be authentic and still hide very well something (and I still didn’t understand whether this is a strength or a huge flaw)
… I don’t know how to reply positively to compliments, but I prefer them to nothing
… I can deal with lack of material things (most things, sometimes even food), but I cannot deal with lack of teamwork and cooperation
… no matter how much I try certain behaviours around me don’t change – and even knowing so I will continue trying to change them
… I don’t and will keep avoiding as much as possible to ask favours from others
… I recognize that affection is so different in some parts of Europe and here in the Middle East, even when the underlying feelings are as strong
… I can be bad at managing the time, but when it comes to people I have to compensate them (unless I forget!)
… I keep forgetting to check up on the fire while cooking and I normally don’t stay longer than 2 consecutive minutes in the kitchen – and this has consequences most often! :S
… I usually multi-task and if I don’t I feel like I’m wasting my time
… my mood can change by the most random talk, a good company even if for an hour or kind words through the screen at times
… crying in front of the laptop screen can be less sad than in front of someone but laughing in front of the same screen never gets as good as the real thing
… I never thought I would take so long to focus and start improving my Arabic
… I have a thing for rooftops
… even if I am a breakfast-person (love long, full breakfasts), I now can go out without taking it – but still I don’t want to change that
… this has been as much of a cultural experience for me as for the ones working closely with me – dealing with a Portuguese in Jordan is as unique as a Portuguese living in Jordan!

Now I’m leaving for some more learning, will tell you about later, when it hits me :)

Sunday, February 14, 2010

decided

Birthdays have this impact on me, they make me think even more than usual. But because thinking is not enough, i came to some decisions, which I will struggle to keep maybe not only for one year like NY's resolutions but for longer... we'll see!

I decided that I won't allow myself being influenced by the laziness, my limitations and the longing for something different in doing what I initially wanted to do.

I decided that I will use my free time better and spend most of it on the sun, learning Arabic, travelling and being with my people here.

I decided to realize that I am not the best flatmate neither and it's so hard, it requires patience and some compromise to live with someone you are supposed to, not that you chose.

I decided that sometimes the best is to be fake and pleasant because a shared untruth sometimes is as best as it gets.

I decided that I will stop thinking I know what's best for me but keep my eyes wide open for the opportunities that could be.

I decided that as much as I like cats or even dogs, I can only stay indoor and take care of them for a while.

I decided that I miss and need home so it's ok to question your decisions and rethink plans, undecide... it'll come to me sooner or later.

I decided to realize that I care about what people think, but even so to keep on being as I am - how strange, awkward and none of your business it may seem.

I decided that nothing's irremediably lost but the fact is that we're just losing time that won't come back.

I decided that there's a limit to what you can compromise culturally speaking, then it makes no longer sense, because you might give in what is authentic in you - and people aren't allowed to ask that from you.

I decided that you can keep hope but illusions are an unnecessary waste of time.

I decided to admit that I miss you and maybe that's not a problem but the solution.