The world in one grain of sanD

the hardest part

2010-08-03T02:55:00.010+03:00

Leaving.

I said goodbye 3 times from 3 different places.

The first that felt like bye was leaving Oman, it’d been about 10 days that I was there but I got to meet more than 50 people over there, I lived the whole time together with 2 girls from the national team in Oman (they did the same I did but in Oman) and a group of trainees in a big, hot villa and I got to participate there in a conference and as well visit new places. My kind of vacation.

It’s still a mystery for me how I created such strong bonds with so many people there, how they still remember me and send me messages because I was a really transitory and rather random element there. Someone who seemingly dropped by from Jordan for a conference, half dead-tired half thrilled about what was about to start there. Omani people are tremendously hospitable to be quite fair, they love to drive you around even when going nowhere, they will even go out with you in the unbearable heat if you ask them too… or they will lay on the sofa with you the whole lazy afternoon if you don’t.

On the day I was leaving I was almost disappointed I was not gonna be seeing anything more but then suddenly I had a big group (big as in it wouldn’t fit 1 but 2 full cars) dedicated to go do whatever, which turned out to be going to a museum because all other options were closed or done already. Two Brazilians (Cintia and Carolina), a Polish girl (Ewelina), an Indian (Yousuf) and then Anjali, Sam and Aisha came afterwards on a different car. Four others had left on a trip to Dubai otherwise we would even risk to be more.

I don't have a picture with them all. Missed the moment! But I have Anjali, Sam and me posing like true Omani girls :)

It was a simple, small and at times interesting museum, I even read there things I didn’t want to about Portugal (we’re known there for slicing off noses and ears of the locals back in the colonization years!) and it was so hot that all the walking we did felt as too much, no matter how much walking I normally like to do. Oman and the Gulf countries are some other reality, I heard these days it’s more than 50° over there and there were even unbelievable news that it can go as high as 80° (which is not possible without human extermination as we know it but gives you an idea how unimaginable it gets).

And then we headed to the airport, they went inside with me and waited for ages for my check-in (I was right behind a never-ending train of household packages with people around it, to the sides and appearing from behind and front), we mocked the tourism add of Oman above the desks and talked about other things I now cannot remember exactly, all I remember is their faces then. And then I was about to leave and got a gift, I got this beauty and a letter from the national team:

About 10 days meeting pretty much everyone for the first time, except for around 7 people there, whom I also didn’t know that much before landing! Ain’t it o-mazing? For me it was and I miss them even today.

Then I came back to Jordan, still had to finish some work and then basically pack up and get ready for my trip: I didn’t travel home from Jordan but instead went through Palestine and then Israel before taking the plane, in Tel Aviv.

This was the big farewell, this was the one I wanted to avoid because I didn’t know how to deal with it. Reaching the conclusion that I didn’t have time to be with everyone individually and that after all this time there was no unrude way out of an official farewell, I organized an evening where I gave myself the expectations of cooking, doing a small presentation of Portugal and basically sharing some words with the friends who would be there. Well, the eve before at 4am I still had all my clothes around the room (and not inside the bag), I hadn’t even started looking at the pics and at what I could prepare as a presentation and the words were at one third done (I had started writing something like small messages for each person, personal ones, but was yet unsure how I’d pass them on to them).

And then the night came, I was supposed to meet just before my neighbours and Cécile (we lived in a french spot of Amman) because they wouldn’t go to the party, we stayed home for a bit and I got late, people started calling where was I and for directions (which I didn’t know haha), I said bye to my neighbours and me and my flatmate went out to find a taxi and get to Tareq’s place, where we were meeting everybody but before I met some friends around the corner because they really had to leave before.

People calling again saying they would have to leave soon too and me freaking out coz this was not the party I was hoping for. Abed, Amal and Shatha then ended coming up to Tareq’s house for a bit and at least I got to stay with them a bit more.

Oh my god coming up I felt like staying near the door, or going to the almost empty kitchen… there was a lot of people and I wasn’t ready, no presentation, no food, not even the proper parting smile! I run around and said hi to everybody, talked to them all and it felt really good to have them all there: JJ, Karlijn, Hanne, Sultan, João, Breno, Fadi, Shaher, Hakeem, Osama, Ma’moon, Safa’, Mirza, Walaa’, Luma, Maher, Lana, Bechir, Eyad, Bashar, Suzanne, Tareq of course…

Some of my favourite people were there and I had no decent presentation about Portugal, no nice, well-thought words to tell them, nothing for them to eat and think it tastes Portuguese.

The night was good because those people were there, there was a very random slide show with some of my pics in Jordan and others from Portugal, there was a bit of dubka dancing and singing, there had to be singing in my farewell :) And then people started leaving, the conversations went from the living room to the kitchen and then we stood in the hallway by the end, I gave away some things I had to share with them and then I had to leave and right then someone else called and I still met halfway Amer.

I still remember the last words face to face (“you must apply”, “come visit me in Portugal”, “I wish I had met you for longer”, “I’ll see you soon”, “I’m getting used to this”…), the strong hugs and another one, the thank yous, the random photos, the licking of my glasses (seriously?!), the sambuzas that we didn’t prepare, the sharing of some last photos, my laptop that didn’t play only Portuguese songs but some other random ones… It was really really really such a pleasure to have lived this year with you all!

But the farewell was still not over, the next day I had until 3pm to actually finish packing and get gone, which started after I came back home and ended around 11am I think, when Elton came over and still had to wait for me coz I was not even ready. I needed to do mail things and find the bank before so he came with me, then we met Cecilia, the Mexican girl that was back to Jordan for my last day there! The one who went to the airport to receive me the day I came too, we came full circle! So I finished the last tasks, we went back home and had lunch and then it was already time to go to the bus station, from where I’d meet the uncle of my friend Amal and go until the border with Palestine, about one hour something away.

More hugs and smiles, all a bit rushed, and I got to the bus station. Afterwards I’ll tell more about the trip there but now there’s my last farewell to write about, the moment when I left what almost became my family in Palestione after a few days. This was my last trip and in many aspects will be one of the most memorable. I was really privileged because if at first I thought I would be doing most of this trip totally on my own, it turned out that I had company almost the whole way – and great company!

My last farewell was when I left the village where Nasser’s family is from, there were his mother and brother there, his aunt, husband and children, his uncle whom I shared the taxi with days before, and his family, his grandmother and some other cousins… we had lunch together, the Sabri family and me, and then a taxi came to pick me up and take me to Ramallah, from where I’d go to Jerusalem that afternoon. The sweetest children faces, the tastiest food, the most welcoming smiles and such joy… I learnt for years that the context influences people and there it was the negation of my 7 years of study. Love, kindness, joy are unconditional, they can actually blossom in any time or place within us, we are such extraordinary machines.

There were more small farewells, many others way before (each time someone would go away) and there were still other moments that were like farewells but weren’t spoken, acted, felt as such but these 3 made me conclude that no, leaving is not the hardest part at all. They say the ones who leave actually are the luckiest ones and no matter what the odds are, you have the hope, the wish, the will to see them again. You promise, you say things, you look in the eyes or not, you smile and laugh and things get better, things get comfortable again if only for a few moments.

The hardest part is when you are already gone but still you are there with them, you just can’t meet them up anymore. You still write to them and see the pictures, you get messages and phone calls but you are in two different places already. You go out and have fun but then something reminds you, you talk about something that makes you think and you go back. And you’re not in the place you are now because you are still in the place you left.

This is the hardest part for me, right now, being here with you being there.

The worst that can happen when you are abroad

2010-08-03T02:41:00.002+03:00

You plan it wrongly and choose to pay rent when you would rather use that money travelling the last days of your stay. I think I'm going to stay longer or I just don’t think. In the end, I pay extra money I barely have as I've used it to travel around. It’s not so bad coz at least it gives me a sense of home until the last moments before leaving.

You are stuck at home in a country with no public transportation. For someone who has the travel bug (or the addiction, the virus, the syndrome), this is comparable to claustrophobia. To be stuck in a country where taxis are supposed to be unsafe (or simply inaccessible) and there are barely any buses, no trains or metros yet and it’s damn hot out there to walk until the car, let alone. Basically depending entirely on private cars to see places, everywhere.

You realize your credit card is expired and doesn’t work in the ATMs. It’s been expired for 2 months already but I never noticed it before travelling outside the country. And even if I had noticed it, wouldn’t change much because now I can’t get another card shipped to me, plus the new password. And dealing with the bank outside the country over the phone also doesn’t leave me much options, security measures playing against me.

You lose your cellphone charger in the last place you stayed in. And then I am travelling and I run out of battery and the only way to reach the people I am supposed to meet. Or I don’t have a watch and need to check the time of my train, bus, whatever, over there. I need it to pass on messages in a language I don't speak. Or people stress out because I am out of reach. Or I stress out because I am out of reach.

You don’t have time/are too broke to buy gifts before leaving in the airport. This is my most common one – I know how much I appreciate to get an exotic gift from abroad but normally I don’t have the time or money to buy it myself for others… It’s upsetting and the worst is that I realize how uncool it is when I’m already on my way to the gate, with 15mins left to boarding. I hate airports nowadays, they have the crappiest things from the country, they are all sold very together and very cliché-style and that hinders my will/ability to buy them.

You realize you want to stay longer in the country but can’t distinguish the logic from the heart anymore. You get a life there, you have your friends, you have your home, you know the places and you have the colleagues and the connections you need – it became your place, almost now even more familiar than the place you originally call home. And you get emotional about it, of course. And you have not something concrete, sure, more promising to come back to. You have to restart at home.

You fall in love before leaving.

On this earth

2010-05-06T11:17:00.005+03:00

It's been so long, I've missed sharing things with you! Busy in a new neighbourhood, enjoying summer/autumn swing with friends and finally taking pictures again (will be posting them soon).

But found this poem randomly while in the middle of work. Couldn't help it, it's beautiful. There is something immensely beautiful and tragic about the Arabic culture. Come along with me...

We have on this earth what makes life worth living: April’s
– hesitation, the aroma of bread
at dawn, a woman’s point of view about men, the works of
– Aeschylus, the beginning
of love, grass on a stone, mothers living on a flute’s sigh and
– the invaders’ fear of memories

We have on this earth what makes life worth living: the
– final days of September, a woman
keeping her apricots ripe after forty, the hour of sunlight in
– prison, a cloud reflecting a swarm
of creatures, the peoples’ applause for those who face death
– with a smile, a tyrant’s fear of songs.

We have on this earth what makes life worth living: on this
– earth, the Lady of Earth,
mother of all beginnings and ends. She was called
– Palestine. Her name later became
Palestine. My Lady, because you are my Lady, I deserve life.

Mahmoud Darwish (1942-2008)

Chopin in Amman

2010-03-02T10:11:00.003+02:00

This post was written 2 days ago but only today I got internet connection to send it.

Some things which you take for granted just are so different when you are in some other place. Well for me classical music turned from boring and repetitive to the best soul soundtrack since I went abroad. I had noticed this already before – when I attended the first classical music concert maybe ever in my life but at least as far as I can remember.

Because whenever I go to a classical music concert what happens to me is that I enter in a different world – still like my world and my thoughts but somehow it seems an alternative, third-person perception. I reflect and lose myself in my thoughts at the sound of a prelude; a sonate ends up creating the cozy mood of somewhere rather distant and familiar – so familiar that it’s my life but through a different perspective. So I get my twilight zone by listening to classical music – music that I normally don’t listen to at home, or maybe this is exactly why, because it’s somehow different to what I am used to – and I like what’s different, have you noticed? :)

Well I started thinking that I was with a foreign group of friends and even if there were about three Jordanians in the group it was still a very international group, the same for the people we had around us and strange as it may seem we internationals become more interested in what’s happening around us, we get more curious and we actually are more active in our lifestyle when we are abroad. This happened to me before when I was in France for a year, not only with my introduction to classical music, but also with theatre (something I miss so much here, because there isn’t much and what there is sometimes it's not in English), concerts =), films, art galleries premieres and much more! And it’s not because there are more things here, it’s rather because the foreigners learn to search more, don’t settle for old or lazy habits and won’t make so much presumptions about what they are about to attend: we just want to live and breath all that we can and at the same time connect to what is familiar from back home.

So I went to an unusually familiar concert organized by the French Cultural Centre and the Polish Embassy and I felt suddenly in Europe. A couple of trainees working here came too – well more than a couple but what I found ironic is that beside a Polish trainee who came with another Polish friend and myself the other trainees were not even European. In fact a couple of them were from two apart countries and continents: Asia and America and, curious thing, the only European living with them was exactly the one who didn’t come to the concert.

And then I got to see a dear Jordanian friend, who I’ve been planning to see for weeks and always miserably failed! And a good friend who doesn’t join the group often also came, we still didn’t manage to mingle everyone together totally but we are trying and we will keep until she is part of us. So it was definitely a night with friends, just a different type of night out – though it did involve shawerma (this is how we spell it here in Jordan) and soft drinks – the typical Jordanian fast food on the concert hall minutes before it started :D That way, I can actually say there was something Jordanian about tonight.

Well then, and going back to the topic that made me start this post, I started rambling around in my head and thinking – mainly about the things that happened recently and what is on the back of my mind. I started by noticing the movements in the pianists – the second one was the most active, expressive pianist I’ve seen in a while, he was living the highs and the lows in the melody in such a dramatic way that I then begun to think how could this possible – could this be someone who lived solely for the music and that is why he was giving so much and expressing it so deep with every note he played OR could he personally be quite the opposite, someone who just lives at the highest pitch, in a crazy and ridiculous intensity that it takes so much energy out of him that he can afford to play the exact same way and keep it up – that he knows nothing more than being intense?

I will never really know about that pianist (Nima was his name), but I can reflect on that for myself. I can recognize that most of the times, my best me is the one who also lives things intensely, the good and the bad but that always has a positive outlook on the outcomes, so someone who hardly goes down and usually tries to lift the others around – sometimes even before herself. And then today I was told to be less inclusive. And I want to disagree, I feel like I should and somehow I know I won’t change much in that sense because deep inside I feel like it would no longer be me that less inclusive being. But maybe I should start being less inclusive, maybe I should be less of an optimistic, maybe I should experience things in a lesser higher pitch like the saddest and happiest moments in a piece of music and the amazing faces the pianist was making while playing them. Maybe I should be less black or white but I don’t know if the should is what I want, so I am not sure if I’m willing to change that and become more centered, more halfway, more mild and never getting so down but also not reaching so high neither.

I always tend to consider the overall, the big picture of things and how the way you love should relate to the way you are friends with, to the way you hate or lose interest, to everythig you do in fact. If you are intense about one, then you should be about the others, if you are selfish in a sense it is difficult to imagine that you are truly selfless in some other context, that we are in the end sometimes divided into those who use others and those who are used by others – and I like none of those options, but could this really be the way the world revolves?

This is a very important thing that has become more and more conscious to me over these past months, more than it ever was when I was abroad, maybe because usually there were much more similarities: to what extent is the change within you a new place brings good and desired, according to yourself? And this makes me as aware as I can about who I want to become. And I want to become a wholesome person, I strive for that and I try to show the same face everytime, just with slight variances and shades of course, but the same core when I’m at work, when I’m partying, when I’m resting with friends and when I’m with myself looking back on my way. I wrote this in the beginning of my blog and I meant it – this is also a trip to becoming the person I want to be, not only about the good things I’ve learned and acquired but how to cope and improve the lesser good parts in me and around. The balance so far is that I’m learning to reject those things which I don’t identify with: behaviours, mindsets, feelings, statuses quo. I have to question them and I won’t settle for the norm of not doing so. But this is far from peaceful sometimes...

And I thought as well about some news I just got today – something that made me have a mix of feelings in the beginning, very honestly, but then made me be quite happy for two friends of mine who are now together and it is a rather complicated situation (a Jordanian with a non Jordanian), that I really just wish them the best of luck! I also thought about the fact that I still don’t know any other Portuguese in Amman except for my consul and his family (but they are actually not Portuguese at all, rather Jordanians, so it’s still not the same) and how strange this is – would it be better or worse to have some other home citizens around? I have never much thought of this before, but can someone be lonely for not knowing their unknown compatriots who by random chance live in the same city or country as them?

Then I thought about how tired I’ve been recently, how much I have been abusing of computers since all my work revolves around them and I need them for the biggest to the smallest things: sending emails and communicating with members, checking facebook and being updated on my friends’ news from around the world while I also update them with the most (ir)relevant info that I highlight from my days (yes, here as well :P).. That I have to use it to talk to my mom in particular but I was unable to do so since I got back about 2/3 weeks ago because of other things and now coz I have no internet at home. That I also use it to check pictures people tag me in (and to upload the pics I’m still supposed to show about my Jordan!), so in the end it's like a life in itself, a life behind a screen :S

I was trying to close my eyes on parts of the concert, which might be why I found the 2nd pianist much more vibrant (I missed part of the first)– but then I guess it’s also my eyes and I like to see those people that put their lives and souls into what they do… and I thought about things that I may be doing wrong here, how to fix uncomfortable situations (what’s the point of enduring them, even if for only 4 months and something now?) and if the end of my Jordanian life will still have a twist like in the Hollywood films.

Don’t get me wrong, this has been an amazing experience and I will probably look back on this year filled with nostalgia, but this has also been one of the toughest, unclear and exhausting years I’ve ever had, in many ways it has been impacting me for the best and worst reasons and that is why Jordan will always be in my heart and like a local I will never really quite get it entirely.

And what’s best, I can’t read the end of the book yet and I am not sure how it’s going to end up – this is the best suspense story I’ve ever lived.

accidental learning

2010-02-25T20:28:00.003+02:00

In Jordan, I’ve been travelling, working, meeting new people, trying to speak Arabic, walking through unwalkable places, forgetting to take photos and having great talks. But most of all I think I’ve been learning, so many and so diverse things that most often I realize that an international experience is like a full-time job, doesn’t give you too much rest to the mind!

So I’ll share some of the things I’ve been learning but don’t be shocked about how small or meaningless they may seem. Now I’m curious to see if I’ll also be learning as much when I come back to Portugal again and if throughout my life I’ll keep on learning as many silly things, if I’ll keep looking at things the same way as if I was still ten.

So after 7 months and 25 days, this is a list of the things I’ve learned (and can remember right now). I learned that:
… my hand after eating mansaf the traditional way feels like I’ve been swimming: warm and wrinkly :)
… my closest friends most often won’t be the people I work or live with – there must actually be a logical explanation for this because it’s not boredom but it happens quite easily!
… I like to pretend that I am a local and feel really proud of myself to talk for a brief while in Arabic until they uncover me or I do it myself :P (but sometimes they don’t =D)
… I can still share my 3JDs left with someone who has only 1JD not out of pure friendship but for common understanding
… I feel more cozy travelling in the dark, unpredictable and sex-biased buses than by taxi
… a cat sometimes just needs to play and I should too!
… sometimes it’s better to tell things that will make people worried about me because they will sooner or later and then they will be mad at me!
… sometimes I can’t help but to be selfish and not want to sharing
… there are unthinkable ways to bring affinity between 2 people but there are also the fastest ways to lose it again
… after being asked “where are you from?”, Jordanians will automatically reply “welcome” – no matter in what context and how well you know them
… I think I can be authentic and still hide very well something (and I still didn’t understand whether this is a strength or a huge flaw)
… I don’t know how to reply positively to compliments, but I prefer them to nothing
… I can deal with lack of material things (most things, sometimes even food), but I cannot deal with lack of teamwork and cooperation
… no matter how much I try certain behaviours around me don’t change – and even knowing so I will continue trying to change them
… I don’t and will keep avoiding as much as possible to ask favours from others
… I recognize that affection is so different in some parts of Europe and here in the Middle East, even when the underlying feelings are as strong
… I can be bad at managing the time, but when it comes to people I have to compensate them (unless I forget!)
… I keep forgetting to check up on the fire while cooking and I normally don’t stay longer than 2 consecutive minutes in the kitchen – and this has consequences most often! :S
… I usually multi-task and if I don’t I feel like I’m wasting my time
… my mood can change by the most random talk, a good company even if for an hour or kind words through the screen at times
… crying in front of the laptop screen can be less sad than in front of someone but laughing in front of the same screen never gets as good as the real thing
… I never thought I would take so long to focus and start improving my Arabic
… I have a thing for rooftops
… even if I am a breakfast-person (love long, full breakfasts), I now can go out without taking it – but still I don’t want to change that
… this has been as much of a cultural experience for me as for the ones working closely with me – dealing with a Portuguese in Jordan is as unique as a Portuguese living in Jordan!

Now I’m leaving for some more learning, will tell you about later, when it hits me :)

decided

2010-02-15T00:33:00.004+02:00

Birthdays have this impact on me, they make me think even more than usual. But because thinking is not enough, i came to some decisions, which I will struggle to keep maybe not only for one year like NY's resolutions but for longer... we'll see!

I decided that I won't allow myself being influenced by the laziness, my limitations and the longing for something different in doing what I initially wanted to do.

I decided that I will use my free time better and spend most of it on the sun, learning Arabic, travelling and being with my people here.

I decided to realize that I am not the best flatmate neither and it's so hard, it requires patience and some compromise to live with someone you are supposed to, not that you chose.

I decided that sometimes the best is to be fake and pleasant because a shared untruth sometimes is as best as it gets.

I decided that I will stop thinking I know what's best for me but keep my eyes wide open for the opportunities that could be.

I decided that as much as I like cats or even dogs, I can only stay indoor and take care of them for a while.

I decided that I miss and need home so it's ok to question your decisions and rethink plans, undecide... it'll come to me sooner or later.

I decided to realize that I care about what people think, but even so to keep on being as I am - how strange, awkward and none of your business it may seem.

I decided that nothing's irremediably lost but the fact is that we're just losing time that won't come back.

I decided that there's a limit to what you can compromise culturally speaking, then it makes no longer sense, because you might give in what is authentic in you - and people aren't allowed to ask that from you.

I decided that you can keep hope but illusions are an unnecessary waste of time.

I decided to admit that I miss you and maybe that's not a problem but the solution.

city girl meets the desert

2009-12-01T22:49:00.003+02:00

It's been such a longtime I know. And a lot of travelling (at last!), X-mas parties and New Year's by the beach have happened.

But this is also not a travel book, so I will just highlight what I feel like, if you don't mind, the beautiful places that I've been to here in Jordan and the fact that again my internet connection is not working properly will allow you to imagine those places the way you want them to be. Free your mind =)

So I had some vacation time lately, first one in November (called Eid-al-Adha) which is the weekend where they slaughter lambs and then share the meat with family, friends and even unknown poor people - I watche a film of it and still cannot believe they do it with the whole family watching. Then I went to Wadi Rum and had like 4 hours in Aqaba (and some extra 8h for sleeping). So mainly I can say I was in deep awe with Wadi Rum, perhaps even in love.

Wadi Rum is one of the places I have most been longing for since I arrived to Jordan. I knew that it would be great, but still I didn't expect to like it so much. It's absolutely, unforgettably, irresistibly magnificent!

Wherever you look you'll find something beautiful, more beautiful than the previous or just the kind of thing you once saw in photos, not really sure if it actually really existed. And when you join that to a great company (3, and at a certain point 4, travelling companions), it just makes the perfect vacation. By the time that things get hectic around me, work pressure increases and much is happening at a fast pace, I got my own piece of paradise, in the middle of nowhere and this city girl, this girl that loves theatres and cultural animations, who likes nature because it's so inconstant, just fell in love with the peace and quietness of the desert, the cinematic Rum.

I could honestly even stay there on a full-retreat week... and believe me, I'm not the buddhist or self-contemplative type. Then we came back to Aqaba and I put my feet on the Red Sea water, which was a relief for this Portuguese who was missing terribly her Atlantic ocean, the waves, the sand, the sound of the sea. I had a little bit of the sea sound, that's already not bad :)

Then I went back to Amman, life went on, a great conference was organized and delivered, many emotional moments and Christmas approaching, my first one away from home, kind of unplanned but it all turned out an interesting experience. I cannot lie and say it was the same as coming back home or that I didn't miss people, places, decorations, food, presents or just previously slightly annoying tasks like putting up the nativity scene by the fireplace or trying to get accross a whole sentence and answer from my great grandmother (who's becoming a bit deaf but Christmas is one of the rare times I get to see her and smile at her, mostly that cause communication is faint ha).

I missed all of those things and it's fine I did, it means no matter how much or less I value the whole season these traditions are part of my history, a good part of it, and I'll either soon be able to recreate them for myself or I will cherish even more when I go back and spend it again with my loved ones. Being away is not the end of the world to me, if you know me you know this about me, but I hope this also makes me become more caring about those moments I will not have back, those people that I wish I could bring in my pocket wherever I go (as that would just be the ideal solution).

So for X-mas I had an international dinner on the 24th, a bit Christmassy but not so much. Still the cooking and the friends made it interesting, the final food "output" not so much hehe, but this is the uniqueness of celebrating Christmas away from family. If you're wondering, Portuguese reader, I prepared pastéis de pescada (à falta de bacalhau :P), arroz de tomate and then chamuças/sambosa (this last one not Portuguese at all, but easy to do and those were the ingredients I had at hand).

Then for the 25th, we had a lunch with the team I work with and a Tunisian friend, so actually the only Christian in the room was myself. To make it even more typical :P, I prepared a curry dish with the help of Dana, one of my colleagues, and then roasted chestnuts - which for me equal Christmas and yummy wherever I may be. And for them it seemed to have worked as well, so I was happy :) So if you're wondering if I'm a lousy cook or just a lousy Portuguese-cuisine cook I have to say - come and search for the ingredients - because the most typical things, are either not eaten by locals (like pork), very expensive (meat in general and chicken just seems wrong as a replacement), or they are simply very hard to find (like the codfish and the ingredients for cozido).

Anyway, it was a cozy late lunch (at least this part screams Portugal and especially my place) and then I had the opportunity to meet friends and have great conversations, as well as missing for the 4th time or so going to the church- I still have not managed to successfully attend one single mass - I found the church nearby, now the issue is what kind of schedule do they work with, every single time I pass by the church it's closed and with no indication or sign of contacts/open hours. So it's getting annoying even for a not so religious person.

Lastly, about one week ago we had New Year's. Me and most of my friends here worked the 31st and then we headed off as fast as the rental tires could roll to Aqaba, to at last feel the wonders of the beach side at the earliest of 2010. SO we got there finally about 30 minutes before midnight and we went straight to the beach for champagne, photos and final countdown. Then some went inside the water - the next day when I walked there I realized how painful it must have been to enter that water yayks coz the usual sand is for some reason very rare there - and the others joined a fireplace with some reggae tunes as background. (Small remark: Wadi Rum and other parts of the desert are about 40 km away and there you got sand till where the eye can reach).

The party continued - obviously - but the best came next day, when we woke up to see an amazing summer day (day 1 of 2010), had breakfast by the swimming pool and commented on the weird tourist who went inside that freezing water while some of the group threw some sarcastic, sleep-deprived but still funny jokes as we took our first bite on our first bread & hoummus of the year. And then we crossed the street and went to sleep/sunbathe/swim/dive/walk in the beach. Main thing, we were in the beach, it was almost too hot at a certain point and we had a nice bunch of people, representing our own little international community here in Jordan - 4 Jordanians included btw.

I had to leave that same day, had the first grilled fish that evening in Aqaba city centre in my 6-month Middle East history (and it was very good!) and we came back, arriving to cold and foggy Amman by 2am. The next day, I went to Irbid - I like coming back to that city, there's something about it -, very sleepy in the morning, a bit more awaken in the afternoon and so tired in the evening when I got home again to Amman.

So these were my holidays: exciting, extenuating at times, short and in very good company. I had fun and still I missed home - it's maybe not the best time to be away from home but it was an atypical, surprising and different time here in Jordan. I even got to taste Samo, these kind of chocolate pyramids kids eat here a lot! They are delicious, and Christmas for me is always delicious =)

And one of my NY's resolutions... I'll try my best to write here more often and with more pictures :)

Have a bold and ravishing 2010! :)

What if God was one of us?

2009-12-01T21:46:00.011+02:00

Religion is everywhere here. From the smallest remarks (insh'allah in the end of many sentences) to the big things, the most different aspects of living here (Ramadan, the call for prayer in the mosks, the "hijab" - scarf used by many girls).

And so this is something highly different for me, used to having my own personal religion. This video probably reflects how I feel about this topic and the unique distance that lays between us on this very specific, very important, but sometimes most overrated matter.

If God had a name what would it be?
And would you call it to his face?
If you were faced with him
In all his glory
What would you ask if you had just one question?

And yeah, yeah, God is great
Yeah, yeah, God is good
Yeah, yeah, yeah-yeah-yeah

What if God was one of us?
Just a slob like one of us
Just a stranger on the bus
Trying to make his way home

If God had a face what would it look like?
And would you want to see
If seeing meant that
you would have to believe
in things like heaven and in Jesus and the saints
and all the prophets

Trying to make his way home
Back up to heaven all alone
Nobody calling on the phone
'cept for the Pope maybe in Rome

Just trying to make his way home
Like a holy rolling stone
Back up to heaven all alone
Just trying to make his way home
Nobody calling on the phone
'cept for the Pope maybe in Rome

in the heart of a promegranate

2009-11-13T19:40:00.001+02:00

Gibran Khalil Gibran is an Arabic poet (Lebanese-American). This is an excerpt written by him which I really liked just as an example and it's very appropriate since my surname Granada means pomegranate :) (besides grenade as in bomb :P)

THE POMEGRANATE

Once when I was living in the heart of a pomegranate, I heard a seed saying, "Someday I shall become a tree, and the wind will sing in my branches, and the sun will dance on my leaves, and I shall be strong and beautiful through all the seasons."
Then another seed spoke and said, "When I was as young as you, I too held such views; but now that I can weigh and measure things, I see that my hopes were vain."
And a third seed spoke also, "I see in us nothing that promises so great a future."
And a fourth said, "But what a mockery our life would be, without a greater future!"
Said a fifth, "Why dispute what we shall be, when we know not even what we are."
But a sixth replied, "Whatever we are, that we shall continue to be."
And a seventh said, "I have such a clear idea how everything will be, but I cannot put it into words."
Then an eighth spoke - -and a ninth -- and a tenth -- and then many -- until all were speaking, and I could distinguish nothing for the many voices.
And so I moved that very day into the heart of a quince, where the seeds are few and almost silent.

Across the universe

2009-10-26T01:26:00.003+03:00

Today this is gonna be a random post. Just so you know...

My mom came to town and visited me for the past 2 weeks, or to be more exact I was with her not more than 5 of those days but still it was ... not sure how to describe it exactly... unexpected. Having her here and suddenly changing back my routine, figuring out about the typical places she ought to go to get to know Jordan in a condensed way (falafel, hoummus, mansaf, citadelle, museums, arabic tents and pateos,...) when those were sometimes places I never went before, realizing that the way she perceives this place, my life here or so many things will always be different from the way I see it and live it each day.

She is the most adorable person on earth, don't get me wrong, she really is but she made me realize how privileged I am at 24 to have been and done so much and that I don't ever wanna wait till I'm old and rich to travel and walk each mile of those places I still want to go to or live in. I'd rather do it right now, with 1JD in the pocket and a falafel sandwich in my hand. Besides people, there's not much else I need... maybe a cat now!

And we went to Syria! "She measures time not by days and months and years, but by the empires she has seen rise and crumble to ruin. She is a type of immortality..." now imagine this told by a deep and mature voice, a bit National Geographic channel style, and we're talking about Damascus by the writer Mark Twain.

To be honest it didn't look that old but it's got a charm of its own, I loved the long, narrow souk streets, the thousands "you are welcome!" and the bargaining, the tasty food in the courtyards and the mix between mosks, churches, roman archs and ancient city walls. I only missed the mint tea and walking for miles, coz there is no better way to get to know a place.

And then after 2 days I felt at home coming back, suddenly having to say goodbye to my mom when entering the cab that would take her back to the hotel that didn't allow us to cancel the reservation and in the rush emptied of emotions over practicalities, not like the day I first saw her here and made me drop some shy tears...

For some reason I will miss her a bit more now but she didn't fit exactly with the landscape, she will always feel home to me but here I feel I am part of the picture now too. It might be because of the cat (which by the way is now also staring at this screen), but tonight I feel like a beduin, don't know if there is really a fixed place for me.

And things too changed in just 2 days here, there were things I missed and people who came back, there's a different mood in some but the cat recognized me... I wrote today that there is no other place I'd rather be right now and it still feels right.

I guess travelling makes me good, now I gotta go take the cat to sleep.

Good night = Tessbaa- l-khair!

something's wrong with the world today and I don't know what it is

2009-09-25T02:58:00.003+03:00

I was watching the news today and the G20 are gathering once more. Now they are negotiating about a world without nuclear weapons, avoiding to talk about the world bank system and dwelling again with another episode of the Israeli-Palestinian endless conflict.

There have also been many floods in different countries and elections are knocking on the door.

But for the first time a vaccin against the HIV seems to be able to reduce the risk of infection and H1N1 vaccination will start in October. So good news from the labs!

Still it doesn't really matter today. I still feel bored and not in the mood. I'll care later but not today, not this moment, not now.

Because we can have so many words and still don't talk, we can have so much in common and still not do the effort, we can have the highest reasons and still nothing changes. Unless we do.

And I won't talk about the food this time, coz I don't feel like eating. I won't enjoy a movie when it's not a TV that I want in front of me. I won't feel at home not because I miss too much somewherelse but because here there is not the place for me I thought I'd find. I won't talk it over to find that nothing really changes. And I won't really appreciate all that you may seem because I still don't know you.

I don't know where to start so I'll just jump to the middle. I wanna walk again but not feel like I need instead of staying in, I don't want to feel like I need a cat or some other prop to make it better, and I don't want to keep saying goodbye to those I start caring about to be left with those I ought to care for. Because the ought doesn't work anymore and there is no in-between, you either care or you don't.

So how do we do start caring (again)?
I'm willing to... but if and only if you are too...

snapshots of a Jordanian life (written on a mini-bus to Marj al Hamam)

2009-09-20T01:24:00.003+03:00

Ramadan Kareem sung on the streets while we pass by
finding my adopted sister is Russian (!) and I met her here in Jordan :)
let's order: "wahed humus, khamse falafel, ithnin chai o (and)... bread, how do you say bread?? :D
driving back on a car with another 6 people and trying the whole way to hide from the police
teaching the price of the bus to another foreigner who spoke Arabic and was wondering if 35 piasters means taht he's being robbed by the bus boy
taking a taxi and telling the driver the directions by simple words like schmal (left), douguri (straight ahead), ayemin (right), la (no) and nus-nus (half-half, but for me works as well as "sort of")
telling the taxi driver to head to McDonald's as a reference point to where I was going during the day in Ramadan, with him replying back "Ramadan Kareem", as in "it's Ramadan and you're going to Mac and break the fast?..."
realizing that Jordanian kids are very similar to Portuguese ones (and in fact children all over)... they can go from angels to brats in seconds! Still we like them =)
trying to upload photos of some iftars at 3am on the 27th Ramadan
drinking tea and talking about the world and nothing on the terrace, while we hear the prayer of the mosk nearby

Tomorrow is Eid, the official end of Ramadan month. I think I'll miss it later during my year here... on the other hand, now travelling will be much easier! wohoo!!

these feet were made for walking

2009-09-01T22:13:00.009+03:00

So Amman is not the best city to walk through.

You don't have sidewalks on some streets, but still it's fine; if a taxi sees you busy walking the driver will start honking because he automatically assumes you probably were searching for one and even though you know exactly which direction to go you'll find yourself sometimes making huge unnecessary turns around to get to a certain place, because there is an unexpected hill between the streets you wanted to cross or the road you're taking suddenly becomes a dead end.

So in the end you'll walk more. And the beauty is that you walk up and down the hills, between the houses, and get a superb view of the green lights coming from the mosks, also the shining crescent moons and stars that are the typical symbols of Ramadan and the city lights at the distance.

The weather is soft and fresh during the nights and the sun is kind during the days. If it wouldn't be for Ramadan and wanting to know what fasting feels like, I would spend my free time outside as much as possible.

But I did break my fast already. Two days ago I walked for 4 hours to renew my visa (currently applying for residency but it's taking ages), I didn't buy a bottle of water coz you are not supposed to drink in the streets during the daytime out of respect so I got back home completely dry, drank loads of water, threw water over my face and all over and rest my feet.

In half an hour I was alive again, took a shower and prepared myself for an Iftar out of home. Iftar (breakfast because it's the first meal of the day) takes place after the fasting and now with Ramadan in August it starts a bit after 7pm.

This is when we break the fast, then we can eat and drink normally the whole night and the fasting restarts at around 4am. At first I was waking up to eat something then or staying up till then, but now it's already easy if you eat just before going to bed, at 1am or around. The working schedule gets slightly shorter, you still start around 9am but finish at 3 or 4pm.

It's family time but it ends up being a really short meal because everyone is so hungry that in 15mins they are finished eating. This is so non-Portuguese style... or at least Granada style, where a meal takes hours if we allow it :D

But the point was, and going back to the walking aspect of it, Amman is a beautiful city to discover on foot. Even if the streets or the taxidrivers make you think otherwise, with Ramadan or without or when you get 7 people in a row telling you the wrong directions and out of their unique kindness wanting to call a taxi for you... as long as you can admire the view on the other side of the hill or the fresh breeze ("nessma") in your face it will have been worthwhile and three hours sooner or later you'll get there, based on hints and without a map.

And the wonderful thing is that you got everything it takes to get you there: your feet and your eyes to admire the view.

you cannot not communicate

2009-07-24T00:36:00.005+03:00

Communication is for me one of the most important things in the world. It is the reason why I am fascinated with what (and especially who) surrounds me and the best way I have to learn.

But it's not immediate, actually it's more like something I sometimes have to work hard on and it's much more than speaking the same language. Although this also helps :)

I don't speak Arabic yet, unless I can communicate only by saying shukran (thank you), kifek/kifak (how are you), saha (bless you), tayeb (ok), kunsadiqi (private joke, means "be my friend" and it's taken from a song) and I still don't know how exactly I'll translate "saudade", "Santos Populares" and "gente da minha terra".

It sounds nostalgic but I feel it as an unconditional part of settling in. The fact that I moved country, am away from family and friends, don't feel the seabreaze or go to the beach now that it's summer it's not because I no longer like it there or got bored, it's much more than wanting to change places or experience something different. It's about what one strives for and what one believes in. I believe I can do something here. So I am here. Despite the language barriers, realising that there are barely any Portuguese here or for that matter knowledge of where Portugal is or what it is known for (which can actually be an advantage) or that living in Jordan turned out to be a bit expensive. Tudo vale a pena quando a alma não é pequena.

So I'll keep trying, failing and each time doing better to communicate. Innovate in it and become loser and closer in my own time. Learning also about what and when to give in and what I won't give away ever. Not excluding or exaggerating any part of it, any part of myself.

Btw, this is not a photo blog. Although I will for sure post some pics here, there's facebook and so many other places that do just the same. Just so you know, coz to be honest I keep forgetting my camera. Might be because between the world and me I prefer not to have a camera lens. Or it just might be obliviousness.

tonight, tomorrow and every other day

2009-07-01T00:33:00.002+03:00

Today I officially start my functions here in Jordan. Believe is part of my promise, what I'll look for. But it is only the first step for amazing things to happen.

See you at infinity!

a film with a view

2009-06-24T01:18:00.004+03:00

Tonight there was a film festival on refugees at one of the busiest spot in Amman, near Rainbow street (Jabal Amman). "God grew tired of us" was the name of the documentary, talking about the Lost Boys from Sudan, erratically moving from place to place until they fly to the US... restart their lives, readapt to a society that is so close to us that at some point it was funny and poetic to see how they actually didn't know a thing about "whether i'll be able to use electricity" or that "chips are ready, cooked!"

So the film was great but more even so the place where we were, coz it was in this backyard garden with the most beautiful view over downtown Amman, slight scent of flowers from the trees around us and for some unexplained reason fireworks kept emerging from different points of the landscape.

This is definitely one of my first addictions here, that from a higher hill you can get a magnificient view of an immense bunch of houses, mosks, streets and mountains at the distance, with their overall earthly colours at different lights, whether it's the break of the day, the sun's up or about to set. I'm very much a colour-person but still it seems beautiful, peaceful and relaxing to look at.

Quoting from the film: "If I was born tall then there's a reason for it, I have a purpose to fulfill." Right?

where the streets have no names

2009-06-19T16:38:00.003+03:00

This is my third weekend here and still i don't know how to move around by transportation in Amman. It's actually kind of embarassing and ego-damaging for my generally very independent and walk-about ways but I'll get there eventually... just need to learn basic taxi-drivers' Arabic (hun - here -, schwei - slow down, a litlle) and how to get to the circles. Maps are outdated most of the times, so follow my advice, stick to the circles.

Important Notice: if you wanna go around Amman, forget about street names (they exist, but no-one really knows or uses them), focus on the 8 circles (roundpoints ranging from big to tiny, barely noticeable) and landmarks, although this is also tricky cause it might be pure luck to find a taxi driver who actually knows what you're talking about... And if he doesn't, most probably will keep going randomly until you notice it because he won't admit his ignorance.

And i don't keep talking about taxis because I'm a fancy person (though I am too :P), but because apart from them you have basically private cars and buses which don't go everywhere and don't leave until they're full and again you should know some Arabic already or know basic way of how to get to a place so that when they say a name it actually rings a bell to you and you drop off. And taxis here are cheap, which makes sense, given the situation. So public transportation here could definitely be better, reach more places and be more constant. But it's also part of the charm!

But all of this because I'm planning to go to Jara, friday open air fair, in fact a lot of people want to come too but none seem to know exactly how to get there... including Jordanians! So I guess we'll follow someone's advice and ask to be taken to Rainbow St (which is actually not the real street name but everyone calls it like that) and then look around until I find lots of people and the market on the right.

Until I improve my scarce Arabic and learn by heart where the circles are =)

I'm leaving now!

feels like home now

2009-06-15T17:55:00.000+03:00

Today.

One day after a weekend where I met about 50 extraordinary people I'll be working with throughout the year, where I challenged myself and had interesting, hilarious, touching and also random talks, where I slept less hours and lived more intensely, where I got up on the roof and saw the sun rising while around people were speaking in Arabic and still I could get a sense of what they were saying, where I felt inspired and proud.

It had to be today and i couldn't delay the blog for any longer. Because today, or right after the conference to be more exactly, when i couldn't sleep but then I landed in my bed until the next day, because now I feel that I'm at home. I'll have a Jordanian heart and soul from now on and it probably won't vanish even after I leave.

So this is not the best intro to this blog but it's the most immediate message I had to tell. Later on, I promise to tell more, like where I'm staying, what I'm doing exactly, what I eat and what do I do in the meantime. But that's not the most important now. The main thing is that I'm home now, in Amman, Jordan.